Thursday, November 6, 2008

What to do when you're cranky

I woke up at 5:30, having gone to bed at 1AM the night before watching CNN and Obama's speech. Sleeping through it would have been like going to bed at 8PM on New Year's Eve.

I thought I would try to meditate, but then my cat, A., jumped on the bed and knocked her head against my boob as she loves to do. I rubbed her belly and enjoyed the feel of her fur--like a rabbit's--and her pleasing familiar purr. Not much is complicated about a cat. They eat, they sleep, they want attention. Kind of like my husband, M.

So I never got around to meditating.

I did read some passages from my Pocket Pema Chodron book, though. I thought it would make me feel more open and loving today, but instead it made me late getting ready, and then M. wanted to talk finances which I hate because there's not much good news since we bought a place and now have a mortgage tied around our necks. I was cranky on the "T," cranky walking to my office in the rain, cranky when the meeting went overtime. No question, I love my new job. It's made moving to Boston seem like a well-planned idea, rather than a resigned decision made after I got engaged to M.

Pema would say I should let myself feel all the emotions: crankiness, bitterness, shame, jealousy, and joy. They should all have their turn at the bat. But my natural inclination is to want pleasure, not pain, not anger, not envy. Sitting with those feelings--does that make them go away? Like when you face your fear of a moving elevator by climbing aboard and grasping the handrail like it's the only thing holding you up? And then you're not afraid of escalators? Is Buddhism just another form of cognitive exposure?

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